I'm embarking on some kind of trip. I chose the word "trip" because it, unlike the word "journey," suggests that traveler will eventually return home. I suspect "trip" is more appropriate than "journey."
I have a feeling I'm going to find that the answers to my questions are the ones I've suspected all along. Life is constantly transient, everyone my age is going through what I'm going through, eventually everything turns out for the best. In 22 years those are the answers I keep encountering at the end of most bumps in the road. But at 22, more than ever, I've been feeling like the decisions I make now are the most important ones, that the rest of my life has officially begun and time is officially starting to run out a little bit faster.
Except for a brief stint of a few months in North Carolina, I've lived in the DC metro area my entire 22 years on this planet. Recently I've come to the realization that there are very few things that I am 100% sure about. I can count them on one hand- performing gives me a rush, the pain of other people and animals, even animated characters, makes my heart physically hurt, I love my family to the point of tears, I'm a comparably smart (if not smart, at least fairly well educated) and slightly clever young woman who comes from a financially stable background, especially in comparison with most of the people in the world.
Then there are the things I suspect about myself, and these are the things I am going in search of to answer. I think I'm strong. I think if it came down to it I can handle quite a bit. But I don't know. I've rarely been tested with anything that difficult. The worst things I can think of that I've survived are the serious illnesses of two people in my family hitting at the same time, deaths of people and animals very dear to me and an extremely painful breakup. If those are the hardest things I've experienced in my life, I don't really know how strong I am.
I think I want to make art and plays and live my life in connection with the theatre. I think I want to eventually get married, be pregnant, give birth, raise children. I think I want to adopt a little girl from China. I think, if I'm surrounded by nature, I can handle a lot of manual labor. I think I want to teach and inspire future presidents, doctors, lawyers, writers, crusaders, protestors, rebels, gypsies. I think I know all these things, but I think what I'm not sure of, is if I can do it all before my time runs out.
The earthquake in Haiti, flood in Pakistan, hurricane in Louisiana, the oil spill in the Gulf, and the overall disconnect I'm starting to sense between human beings thanks to leaps and bounds in the advancement of technology (I'm starting to feel like the only person who doesn't have nor WANT an iPhone or Blackberry) have all made me feel like not only is my time running out to do something big, but that everybody's time is starting to run out. I can't stand feeling like I'm just another body taking up space on the planet anymore.
A friend of mine once triumphantly declared, as we stood in the ocean drinking in the sun and listlessly floating over waves, "There is so much beauty in this world!"
I've seen very little of the world, but I already know she's right. So I'm going to find it, experience it, enjoy it, and maybe somewhere along the way try to save some of it. And maybe, just maybe, I'll find out how strong I am.
